Operation 'Head, shoulder, knees and toes'
by Irish-coffee
Summary: Is John THIS childish when he wants to take a revenge on Elizabeth for keeping him on Atlantis until his toe is fully healed ? Okay, this is a delirious fic... Chapter 4 updated, Rated changed to T
1. Childish games or how to avenge oneself

Okay, I must tell you before you begin reading... This is a pure product of my wild imagination on a day of boredom... DO NOT hesitate to review to tell me what you think about it please, so that I know if I have to write othe chapters or not...

Let's take this story is set during... Season two. And I have to say this is a kind of Sparky fanfic. I SAID KINDA FOR RODNEY'S SAKE !

Well, ENJOY :) And don't forget to pin a review pleeaaase ?

Childish games or how to avenge oneself

Dr Elizabeth Weir's eyes were burning from reading so much reports. Actually, she had never seen that much files on her desk since day one of the whole Atlantis Project, the main reason for this being John Sheppard. He had finally found the time to type his last ten -or so- reports, sitting on the steps leading to the stargate with his laptop, putting a show on to make her regret the decision she and Beckett had made to prevent him from going off-world until he had fully recovered from his last mission, where he had seriously injured one of his toes. Of course, a toe wasn't that essential for an off-world mission, however, it was slightly different when the toe was actually the one you used to keep your balance... It had been nearly nine days since the accident, and for nine days, Elizabeth had heard him groan from time to time – that is, every time she wasn't looking by the window to see him pulling faces. However, no matter how many times he had tried to come and see her in her office to complain, he still hadn't managed to overcome the stairs protecting her from his childish reproaches. Each time he had tried to come upstairs, he had ended up on the floor, and had regained composure immediately, to prove her he could definitely go off-world.

The first day, she had worried, the second day, she had allowed a light smile to show on her face out of amusement, the third day, she had felt irrited at his behaviour, and by the fourth day, she had begun to ignore him, no less. And as a way of revenge, he had given her all his reports at the same time, sending Chuck up to her office, as he could reach it – with all his toes, for that matter.

And after an entire day reading his foolish stuff, she felt exhausted, and she had conceived some kind of respect and admiration for Sheppard's parents. 'God, they should be awarded a medal for patience' she thought, her eyes fluttering shut to take some rest.

_While running back to the stargate, I stumbled over a root and my foot got bruised, though it proved to be no handicap to my ability to run fast. _

'Save your honor colonel'. She wasn't the only one who knew Ronon and Teyla had helped him make it through the gate...  
One day, he would drive her nuts.

"Dr Weir ?"  
She jumped at the sudden voice calling her and opened her eyes to see Ronon, standing in the middle of her office.

"You wanted to see me Ronon ?" She asked, rubbing her eyes.

"That's why I'm here."  
"Course... Please take a seat" She offered with a smile, wondering if the Satedan was here to stand for John...  
Ronon did as he was told, taking the chair in front of Weir's desk and craddling it against his chest.

Elizabeth raised an eyebrow, agape.

"Where do I put it ?" Ronon asked.

"I meant : please sit down Ronon..." She corrected.

A mischievous smile appeared on Ronon's face as he put the chair down and collapsed on it. 'So much for refinement' she thought.

"I was joking, come on, you should relax doc."

She was astonished. 'Ronon ? Joking ? Really ? Come on 'Lizbeth, you must be dreaming...'

"It's actually funny. Excuse me, I'm tired. What did you want to talk about ?"

He crossed his arms and took a more professional look.  
"I want to learn how to gossip".  
This time, Elizabeth nearly fell off her chair. She would have to go and see Carson, something was wrong. Maybe John was right after all, she might be suffering from overwork, a burnout, whatever doctors called this, something was wrong with her.

"You want... What ?!" She choked.

"You heard it. Gossiping seems to be a national sport on Earth. I was told I don't know how to gossip."

That was not completely false, nor was it surprising. But somehow, Elizabeth couldn't picture Ronon chit-chatting about the latest rumors of the city. It didn't really fit the character you know.  
"And you want ME to teach it to you ?" She asked nevertheless, raising an eyebrow for the second time in less than three minutes – well, to tell the truth, it wasn't something unusual for her.  
"Yeah."

"What about John ? He is so bored with staying here all day..." She suggested.

"He sucks at this whenever he is not the main interested by the gossip."  
"Yeah, I guess we all know about his reputation. So you really want to play this game Ronon ?"  
He noded, already ready to listen and learn.

She sighed. It was not that difficult. She wasn't really the kind of woman to have an interest in gossips, however, it was something very easy to do, like a gift granted to all women.  
"All you have to do is to create a story about someone based on some facts. Like... I don't know..." She rested her forehead on her hand to think of something. "Look, John is stuck here on Atlantis and he pretends he is perfectly fine.".  
Ronon frowned.

"So ?"  
"So it could lead you to the conclusion that I ordered him to stay for three weeks so that I can spend more time with him because... Well, Dr Weir is in love with Sheppard." That was the best she had come up with. And her cheeks burned.

"The most important thing is that a gossip is not real. That's why people like them." She added skillfully.

"I see. Your example is not a good rumor." Ronon stated, his face blank.  
"No ?" She cocked her head to the side in disbelief.

"No." Ronon got up and made his way towards the door.  
"Wait ! Why ?" Elizabeth stopped him.  
Ronon stopped dead in his tracks.

"You just told me a gossip must not be real" He reminded her, not even turning to face her.

"It is what I told you, isn't it ?".  
Ronon got out of the office and headed towards the gym, leaving Elizabeth thinking about what he had just said. Why would the all story about the leader of Atlantis being in love with the colonel Sheppard be a non-gossip ?

'Oh god... Don't tell me everyone believes that...' Not even bothering to finish her thought, she got up and stared at the room underneath her. John was still sitting on the stairs. When he sensed her watching him, he waved at her with a devilish grin.  
_"So, are you finished reading my reports yet ?" _Her earpiece asked while John mouthed the same words.  
'John Sheppard, would you be so childish ?' she whispered.

TBC ?


	2. No rule

Here is chapter two... Thanks for the only review so far which gave me enough strength to go on with this stupid story :)  
Here you are, have fun.

**The only rule**

When John entered the Mess hall for dinner, the only table left occupied was the one where Ronon, Teyla and Rodney were laughing out loud. Obviously, John wasn't the only one able to crack jokes in the team. He managed to crutch his way to the table and to collapse in his chair, grinning.

"Hey John, how is your toe ?" Teyla enquired with a bright smile.

"Oh, I lost it in the shower this morning." John answered quite seriously, having McKay choking on his piece of chocolate cake.

"I was just kidding Rodney ! I'm fine, I don't even feel it" He confessed, filling the scientist's glass with water to help him recover from the shock.

"Elizabeth's choice to make you stay off the missions is right you know." Teyla stated, staring at him.

"I totally aprove of it, it's a sensible choice indeed" John noded, playing with his fork, a broad smile on his face.

"So why are you messing up with her ?"

John's mouth opened, then closed, in a perfect mimic of a gold fish, and his eyes darted to Ronon.

"We had a deal Ronon !" He blurted out.

"They are our team, and they could help you too." Ronon shrugged.

"The more, the merrier." Rodney concluded.

"You should have seen her face when I told her about the gossip-thing !" Ronon suddenly burst out laughing, and hilarity settled at the table.

**-A-**

Damn, she couldn't sleep. It was nearly 2am and Elizabeth's mind wouldn't stop bothering her with the events of the day. She fliped once more, hid her head under her fluffy pillow, and sighed loudly to evacuate her thoughts.

She felt empty, ready to sleep. Then it came back, more vivid. She groaned and sat up, her back leaning to the wall.  
She knew John was behind Ronon's visit, however, she couldn't quite prove it. _'And what if you could ? What would you do ? Punish him like a seven years old he is ?_' she thought. And with that she knew. Her eyes narrowed in the dark, and her lips stretched to the side in a mischevous smile. She loved the idea of punishing him, and she would play by his rules.

"Okay John, the only rule is : there's no rule." She muttered to the moon.

-A-

He had three weeks of to do whatever he pleased, and besides oversleeping and bothering Elizabeth, the last being really fun and easy, the third thing on his list was seducing one of Beckett's new nurse, Cindy, a voluptous blond who bandaged his foot every morning since his decidedly annoying incident.

He entered the infirmary at 11, for the tenth time, and flashed one of his radious smiles to the nurse who greeted him with a cold 'Good morning Colonel Sheppard' as he sat on a bed.

"Mister Toeny is overjoyed to see you again." He declared, showing her his foot.  
The last few days, she had chuckled at that and had even flushed. This day, she bit the inner flesh of her cheek, a flash of anger glowing in her blue eyes.

"Yeah, I'm sure he would rather see Dr Beckett, wouldn't he ?" She asked ironically.

He frowned and he had to grit his teeth when she applied alcohol on his wound, deliberately making it painful.

"Okay... What's the matter Cindy ? Are you ok ?" He enquired, feeling somewhat lost.

Her cheeks reddened with anger.

"Forget about our dinner. I know about you and Beckett. I can't believe you're gay !" With that, she left him dumbfounded as he put his socks back on, grimacing.

_'Gay ? Beckett and I ? What the hell is going on here ?!'_

His little holiday time was now not as fun as it had been, the day before...

**What about leaving a review to tell me if it worth a sequel ? **


	3. How to come out

**Here is the third chapter... Thanks for those who reviewed the last one... :) You people are keeping me going with this story so... GO ON ! REVIEW ! What's more : I don't bite anyone who reviews my stories, both negative and positive critics are accepted and can help me... **

**In the meantime, ENJOY ! **

**A few hours before. **

"Hello love. I heard about Sheppard's behaviour, and I'm not coming back on my decision. He is not to leave the city until he is fully healed."

Carson cut Elizabeth off before she could even open her mouth to greet him with energy. And as he finished his sentence, he saw a flicker of amusement in her green eyes. She smiled and joined her hands in front of her, in her usual leader posture.

"I know, and that's exactly why I'm here. If he is to remain here for three weeks getting on my nerves, I'd like him to pay back." She explained.

He threw his gloves in the wastebasket.

"How ?"

Eyeing the pretty nurse coming in, Elizabeth prepared herself, crossing her arms.

"Get ready to play along..." She whispered to Beckett with a wink.

He opened his mouth, bemused, and she began her little show.

"How did I find out about your relationship with Sheppard ?" She chuckled, both for the sake of the play and because of Beckett's eyes, rounding unaturally. "Well, I guess seing you coming out of his quarters at dawn helped quite a lot. Along with your little conversations which fall directly into my ear..." She touched her earpiece.

"Oh my... Did you really heard..." He began, understanding her goal at last.

"Everything" she nodded. "I'm sorry, but, the two of you shouldn't date anymore."  
"But why ?! I love him, with all my heart !" _'God' _Elizabeth thought _'he is very convincing !' _

"I know, but what tells me John didn't shot his toe just to be able to see you more often?"

This was a ridiculous statement, but that was the best she had come up with.

"That's not like John ! You know it !" Beckett exclaimed.

"I'm sorry Carson, I won't let this go on under my command."

With that, she turned on her heels and left the infirmary, not without a glance towards the nurse. They had done a good job. Cindy looked disappointed and mad at herself...

Then she realised... '_Oh no... I have seriously ternished John's reputation...' _A wave of remorse invaded her.

But then, what's done is done, and moreover, she was begining to believe that all this stuff was getting rather interesting.

**The Mess Hall, around noon **

John felt as if he was being stared at. Okay, maybe it was usually the case, but this time, it wasn't as enjoyable as before, when women studied him. _'John, you're being paranoid' _he told himself, finishing his plate up. His eyes fell on his banana. Why had he picked it up in the first place ? Oh yes, hunger. Well, he would have to cut it into pieces so that no one sees him bite into it. He felt his cheeks flush. '_Easy man, that's not as if you were gay'_.

"Do you wanna talk ?"

He looked at the woman who had just talked to him. Kate Heigtmayer...

"Of course, sit down" He offered with is usual attractive grin.

She did as he had asked and smiled at him, waiting for him to talk.

"What ?" He asked sheepishly.

"I know that coming out can be hard, above all for a flyboy... So if you need any help..."

John jumped. He had thought Kate was there to chat and maybe try to 'seduce' him, not to help him to come out of the closet !

"Hey ! Lull okay ?! I am NOT an homosexual ! Where does this crazy idea come from anyway ?!"

She flushed.

"I'm sorry... rumour runs that you and Carson are...you know..." She swallowed hard.

"Carson ?! Just forget it okay ? Rumours are stupid."

And with that, he clutched away, foaming.

**So ? What do you think he will do about this misunderstanding ? And how will he trick Elizabeth next time ? Any idea ? :)  
**


	4. The story of the shrinking T-shirt

**Hey ! Here comes the fourth chapter ! Thanks for your reviews guys ! You made me laugh so hard ! :) Enjoy !**

Chapter Four

The story of the shrinking T-Shirt

He didn't know where he was going, and actually, he didn't care. He only wanted to be on his own, away from any human being. Someone had created this story about him and Carson being lovers, and he felt betrayed... Betrayed by his own family. Or by one of his one-night stand. He needed to do something, to distract him. Maybe he needed to trick Elizabeth, once again. It had proved to be quite relaxing. He smiled, as he thought about the look he had seen on her face after her encounter with Ronon.

'Hi John. How is your toe ?'

He stopped in the middle of the deserted hall, and turned to face the young woman who was coming towards him with a basket full of dirty clothes. His mind raced. The girl, Halley, was one of the prettiest soldier he had ever seen. He was also a girl he liked very much, as she was really nice and a funny person to be with.

'Fine, thank you. It's healling just great. Are you going to wash these clothes ?'

She smiled, kindly, and he remembered how he had first taken a liking to her. She was black-haired, blue-eyed, and her smile showed her kindness. She seemed to ignore her beauty.

'Yeah, I am. Dr Weir is overworked, and I offered her to do her laundry...' She hesitated 'Let's say I spilled my coffee on her shirt'.

John chuckled, and she flushed.

'She is a nice woman, she wouldn't let me help her.' She put a lock of hair behind her ear.

'Yeah, such a nightmare no ?' He said, winking at her.

She chukled again.

'Could I ask you a service ?' I asked, raising an eyebrow, his devilish mind suddenly coming out with an idea.

She cocked her head to one side, looking at him suspiciously, her eyes laughing.

'What do you want flyboy ?'

**The day after...**

Elizabeth stretched her arm to stop her alarm-clock from buzzing. She groaned, still in the middle of a dream. The sun was falling directly on her face, and so she woke up. She had a debriefing waiting for her, as well as new reports piled on her desk.

She purred and went to her bathroom. In the mirror, she saw the mean woman who had ruined her bestfriend's -or so she said- reputation. She felt deeply ashamed. She would have to tell him she was responsible for his problem. All the women who had found him attractive before were now looking for some new man to fantasize about. Images invaded her mind, more vivid than in her dreams, and she shook her head. She couldn't destroy him and let her mind imagine him naked. She stepped into the shower, and as the hot water was burning her skin, she decided to tell John about her foolish trick. Yes, he would hate her for ruining his personal life, but she wouldn't be able to look him in the eyes after what had happen.

She dried herself, brushed her hair, her teeth, and went to take a shirt in her drawer.

Halley had brought her her clothes clean, smelling of vanilla, the night before. She was a sweet girl, always seeking to be useful to someone.

She put her bra on, and whip on her red shirt and jean, laced her shoes and rushed out of her room, heading towards the meeting room.

When she stepped in, all SGA-2 was already in the room, as well as Sheppard, who seemed to have regained some composure during the night.

His eyes darted to her. Well, really on HER, rather on her chest and belly, and he licked his lip, and quickly gazed back on the file he had in his hands.

'Goodmorning everybody !' She shout, creating the silence in the room as everyone stopped talking with their neighbors.

Everyone's eyes, except John's, clinged to her, and roamed on her body.

_'What the hell is happening ?' _she thought.

'Gentlemen ? Shall we begin ?'

Throat were cleared, and Lorne raised his hand, making her frown as she nodded to let him talk.

'How to say it... I think your shirt shrank madam. And, err, maybe you should go and change.' He stammered.

'Yeah, it makes it hard to focus.' John told her without looking up from his file.

The atmosphere was tensed, and Elizabeth's cheeks reddened. She looked down at her, and saw it... She could even make out her navel under the fabric of her shirt. She felt a surge of shame. Why didn't she have seen it before ?

She rushed out of the room and ran to her room.

**So ? What do you think will happen in the next chapter ? **


	5. Chemestry

**Hey there ! Thank you guys for your reviews and support ! You're great ! :)**

**I hope you'll like this chapter... I did a lot of research to ensure the credibility** **of this stuff... So Enjoy ! And GO SPARKY ! :D**

Chapter Five

Chemestry

'Makes it hard to focus, makes it hard to focus... Damn it John, damn you !'

Twenty minutes before, she had left her quarters with the firm intention to confess she had been the source of the rumor going about him. Now she was so ashamed that she wanted him dead. She had not merely 'flushed' when she had sensed John's arousal, no, her face had reddened so much that her T-shirt had looked pale compared to it. She had been as foolish as a school girl on her first date.

'Calm down Elizabeth, these things happen sometimes. ' She uttered to her mirror.

With that, she changed and went back to the meeting room.

_The Mess Hall, around noon _

'This is rubbish.'  
A tray fell violently on the table Elizabeth was sitting at, and its owner, Laura Cadman, followed it, collapsing on the chair facing her.  
The Doctor Weir raised an eyebrow.  
'Hi Laura. I'm not sure I follow you though.' She explained.

'Sheppard. I bet he is not gay. People believe so because Cindy told them so, and God knows Cindy is not the kind of girl who loves to gossip, but I know better. He does take women to diner without taking them to bed, but that's not because he has an affair with Carson. Oh no, I don't think Carson has the time for this kind of thing whereas he's all wrapt up in his infirmary. Come on, he hardly has time for me, and I am his girlfriend, I kind of know what I'm talking about.'

She was talking so quickly Elizabeth wondered if she could even breath, and her hand fluttered in the air as if she was trying to fly away.  
'Looks like being in Rodney's head left you with bad habits.'  
Cadman sighed and poured herself some water.

'Yeah, sorry. I don't stand it anymore. You know ? People looking at you with pity in their eyes. That's driving me crazy.'

Elizabeth lowered her head and bit her lip hard. Gosh, how could it be that bad ? Because of her own foolishness ?!

'I'm deeply sorry...' She whispered, her throat dry.

'Why ? '

'All this is my fault' she confessed.  
Laura chocked on her water and nearly spat it back.

'What ?!'

Elizabeth swallowed hard and stared right at her friend.

'I wanted John to spend three weeks resting, not dating around, and I used Carson against his will. That was silly of me, I'm sorry.'

Laura shook her head in disbelief.

'That's... So stupid ! Are you that jealous that you prefer him messing with you than _'dating around' _?'

Elizabeth's stared at her plate as she was playing with her fork, considering the last statement. She hadn't thought about jealousy. The game they played was dangerous -getting on each other's nerves- but she couldn't stand seeing John doing the same with someone else.

'Something like this yes.' She answered.

**~A~**

'I've always been good at chemestry, so this shouldn't be really difficult for me. I just have to find sodium perborate, and calcium hypochlorite.' Laura said, rummaging in the vials lined on the shelves of the lab.

'Let me help you' Elizabeth said walking to a shelf and looking for the two powders her friend was looking for.

She was grateful to Cadman for the help she had offered her. She was a ressourceful young woman who had crazy ideas.

'Where are all the chemists ?' Elizabeth asked, showing Laura the vial containing the calcium hypochlorite. Laura shrugged and eyed the sodium perborate which she took and put on the table next to the calcium.  
'Who knows... Out for lunch, playing poker, or summoned by McKay for the daily prayer.'Laura stated.

'The daily what ?!' Elizabeth choked.  
The soldier stopped dead in her tracks, an empty vial in her hand, staring at her boss and friend with a raised eyebrow.

'I was just kidding.'  
'Oh.'  
'Relax Elizabeth, no one's going to discover this. I'm gonna mix these powders, and you'll have to enter Sheppard's bathroom to add the mixture to his hair gel. However, you must be sure the gel is already blue.' Seing Elizabeth's lost gaze, she explained 'Sodium turns blue to the contact of water. And as the gel is likely to be made with water, it will turn blue. That's why our chances of success are improved if the gel is blue. And I'm pretty sure it is. Well, Carson's is, so I can't see why Sheppard's wouldn't.'

She had worked on her 'potion' while talking, and now she was handing the vial to Elizabeth who took it and looked closely at it.

'There remains but one thing. How will I enter his room ?' She pointed out.

Laura gazed at her as if a third eye was growing on her forehead.

'I'll tell you when he and his team come tonight to the mess, and you'll have to use Zelenka. I can't help you with that, but you know how to use people.'  
Elizabeth agreed and quickly left the room, singing out a 'thanks' aimed at her accomplice.

Satisfied, Laura sighed, leaning herself on the desk.

_A few hours after _

'Elizabeth, Sheppard left his room'.

Elizabeth checked he watch. Ten o'clock, perfect. She adjusted her earpiece.

'Thank you Laura.' Then she changed the channel 'Zelenka, could you do something for me ?'

There was a moment of silence, and then the voice of Radek.

'What do you want me to do ?' He asked.

Elizabeth breathed in. She didn't like to lie. However, the result of all this was worth it !

'Sheppard forgot a file in his quarter and I don't want him to make him go and fetch it with his toe as it is. Could you open his door for me ?'

She was surprised to hear her voice sounding so convincing.

'It will take me five minutes, but I can do it.'

Elizabeth grinned.

'That's okay, take your time.'

Five minutes was the exact time she needed to go to John's room from her office. She took the vial from the drawer of her desk, put it in her pocket, and walked to John's quarters, carefully avoiding anyone who could wonder what she was doing there at 10pm.

The door opened the moment she arrived in front of it.

'It's open.' Zelenka told her.

'Yes I can see it. You will be able to close it back in three minutes, thank you Radek'.  
She stepped in. The room was a mess. The bed was not made, the sheets were half on the floor, his guitar was in the middle of the room, with partitions all over the place. And Elizabeth's organized mind wanted her to tidy everything. But she couldn't do it, otherwise, he would notice someone had been there. So instead she made her way to his bathroom, careful not to disturb anything or slipping on a partition.

His bathroom was in the same state, and there was water everywhere. That was not helping... Would she leave prints in the room ? Bitting her lips, she decided to take off her shoes to keep them dry. She quickly stepped out of her boots, and found John's hair gel on the sink. Bingo, it was blue. She took the vial out of her pockett, opened it, and with a shaking hand, pourred the powder in the gel and closed it again before shaking it to blend the powder to the gel. Then she replaced everything, put on her shoes again and got out of the room, with a side smile stretching far on her cheek.

'Mission acomplished' she said to Laura who giggled.

_The day after_

John sighed with contentment. He had spent the night watching Hithcocks with Teyla and Ronon, and when his eyes fell on the alarm clock, he saw he had also overslept that morning. He didn't care. He felt good, and he didn't need to wake up before his meeting with Elizabeth and Rodney in the afternoon -something to do with the budget of the city- so he woke up slowly, daydreaming until his imagination went dry. Then, he got up, took his crutches, and went to the bathroom for a hot shower.

This time of the day had become quite a challenge with his toe injury, as he wasn't supposed to dampen his dressing. So he had to wrap his foot in a plastic bag and be careful not to slip on the floor. The warm water helped waking him up, and when he saw his hair in the mirror, he scowled. It was a mess. He nimbly grabbed his pot of gel, plunged his fingers in it, spread the gel on his hands, and ruffled his hair.

'Better' he smiled.

He washed his hands, got dressed, flashed a smile to his reflection, took his earpiece from his nightstand and crutched his way out of the room.

First, he had to get his dressing changed at the infirmary, and then, he would try and bring a cup of coffee to Elizabeth. Shrinking her T-shirt had been mean, but gosh ! How cute and sexy she had looked, all flushed, the fabric leaving nothing to his imagination, the latter running wild at the sight of her body. He had not been able to look at her without feeling a wave of arousal flowing in his blood to his lower body. 'No harm done to our relationship', that's what he wanted to prove her.

And so he began his day, oblivious to his hair's colour fading away like time.

**So what do you think of Elizabeth's evil mind ? :) **


End file.
